How come your arms are not around me
by Jessica12
Summary: LL,LC -Part 3-Jealousy takes the better part of Luke Danes and he has to make a choice to surrender or stand up and fight....RR
1. Default Chapter

Title: How come your arms are not around me (1/?)  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Lorelai/Christopher  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: As Luke and Lorelai finally begin to explore  
  
their new relationship Christopher returns to Stars Hollow...  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Title is from a song by Kristoffer Astrom.  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
----------------------------------------------  
  
"I still don't know what love is...."  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
How come your arms is not around me   
  
by: Jessica  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
It's not like the house is dangerous or something.  
  
It would be so simple to just walk up to the   
  
front door and ring the bell.  
  
But then I would know.  
  
And I would surely die.  
  
Instead I will linger here.  
  
While my heart is slowly breaking.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
Five days earlier.  
  
.....................  
  
She is sleeping now.  
  
Her face is so calm.  
  
All the pain that has marked her face during the years  
  
is gone now and replaced with a sense of peace.  
  
I know that I should be sleeping but I can't.  
  
The moon makes its way into the room as I rise.  
  
Feeling weary tonight.  
  
My body is feeling weightless as I move.  
  
I can still taste her.  
  
Her scent lingers in every corner of this room.  
  
The need to run came suddenly as I moved away from the bed and her.  
  
A part of me needed distance from the complete powerlessness I   
  
felt in her arms.  
  
The other part of me wanted to go to her   
  
and surrender to the feelings that raged inside of me.  
  
I lingered there for a while,  
  
watching her.  
  
Taking her in.  
  
The beauty that was Lorelai Gilmore.  
  
Her skin seems to shine just like silver in the moonlight.  
  
Or maybe it was just my mind playing tricks with me.  
  
Sometimes I fear that I will lose myself in her.  
  
I have never had love consume me like this.  
  
Feeling so powerless and so strong in the same heartbeat.  
  
It feels like I have known her forever.  
  
Several lifetimes.  
  
My mind seems to not comprehend life without her.  
  
And that scares me.  
  
Maybe I have already lost myself.  
  
Maybe it's time to let go.  
  
------------------------  
  
I woke slowly.  
  
The sun pierced through the window and warmed   
  
my face as I dared to open my eyes.  
  
I rolled over to my side and reached for him  
  
only to find an empty space beside me in the bed.  
  
His scent still lingered in the sheets and  
  
for a single moment I closed my eyes.  
  
The clock on my bedside table showed little after  
  
seven in the morning.  
  
Normally I would have just turned around and gone   
  
back to sleep.  
  
But since he came into my life I had started to  
  
get up when he did.  
  
Even on weekends.  
  
He always woke me with a kiss before he left.  
  
But not today.  
  
The house was still as I rose.  
  
I made my way into the bathroom to stand under the shower   
  
for a while.  
  
My lips were still swollen from last night.  
  
His hands seemed to have burned into my skin,  
  
leaving me longing for more.  
  
I missed his mouth on me.  
  
His arms around me.  
  
His hands.  
  
The magic in his touch.  
  
Everything that was Luke Danes.  
  
It scared me sometimes.  
  
The power he had over me.  
  
But in the same time I wanted to surrender.  
  
I wanted to tear down the walls I had around my heart.  
  
The walls I had maintained so well during the years.  
  
That so easily came crashing down.  
  
Only to be risen once again.  
  
So I wanted to surrender.  
  
To finally let go.  
  
And give myself totally to him.  
  
No holding back this time.  
  
But fear kept gripping at my heart.  
  
Of drowning in him.  
  
Of giving myself totally.  
  
Only to lose everything.  
  
-----------------------------------  
  
Boston  
  
--------------------------  
  
Darkness surrounded Christopher on all sides  
  
as he walked.  
  
He had drifted in and out of bars and clubs,  
  
trying to find what he so desperately needed.  
  
Peace.  
  
Trying to replace memories of the evening before.  
  
That evening when everything came crashing down on him.  
  
He hadn't meant the harsh words he had said.  
  
He had been hurt and angry.  
  
Tired.  
  
He had acted stupid.  
  
He realized that now.  
  
Afterwards the words had seemed to linger in the air  
  
between them just like a huge, black cloud.  
  
Then the pain showed its ugly face.  
  
It flashed across her face only to be replaced with anger.  
  
Then the angry fist came crashing down on him.  
  
He let her be.  
  
Afterwards, when the rage inside of her subsided he  
  
had tried to make amends for all the things he had said.  
  
But it was too late.  
  
She drew back into her protective shell and  
  
refused to let him in.  
  
Forgiveness was pleaded for.  
  
Only to fall on deaf ears.  
  
Then the need of self-protection came   
  
and she demanded distance.  
  
So he fled out on to the streets.  
  
Thinking time could mend her heart.  
  
He had come crawling back five hours later.  
  
He had even bought flowers.  
  
Roses.  
  
Her favorite kind.  
  
But all he found was an empty apartment.  
  
And a letter.  
  
As Christopher climbed on top of his motorcycle it  
  
was her words that kept ringing in his ears.  
  
Those words he had so stupidly spoken was now  
  
returned to him in a well-written letter.  
  
Harsh words whose only mission was to hurt him even more.  
  
Anger filled him as he turned the key and the beast under  
  
him came to life.  
  
He needed distance he proclaimed to the night.  
  
He needed away from the city and all the pressure it held.  
  
He wanted another life.  
  
Another city.  
  
Another something.  
  
He wanted to escape.  
  
So he fled.  
  
He fled to the life he had left behind.  
  
As the sun rose over the city he turned his bike  
  
towards the home he had left once.  
  
Stars Hollow.  
  
To Lorelai.  
  
And Rory.  
  
Home.  
  
------------------------------  
  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	2. On returning

Title: How come your arms are not around me (2/?)  
  
Author: Jessica  
  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
  
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Pairing: Lorelai/Luke, Lorelai/Christopher  
  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
  
Summary: As Christopher rides into town everyone is affected   
  
in their own different way.  
  
AUTHORS NOTE: Title is from a song by Kristoffer Astrom.  
  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
  
mistakes may occur.  
  
--------------------------------------------  
  
"You know it's clear that I've been blind  
  
I've been a fool  
  
To ever open up my heart  
  
To all that jealousy, that bitterness, that ridicule..."  
  
-------------------------------------------  
  
How come your arms are not around me (2/?)  
  
"On returning"  
  
by:Jessica  
  
----------------------------------  
  
He didn't ride into town on a white stallion.  
  
He came on his motorcycle.  
  
But for Rory Gilmore it might has well been on a white stallion.  
  
The first thing she remembers about her father was the  
  
sound of the motorcycle as he came rolling into their life once again.  
  
Only to leave a day later.  
  
This time around had been different.  
  
Promises were made.  
  
Hope came alive and she thought maybe this time around things  
  
would be different.  
  
But as usual he disappointed her, making promises he couldn't keep.  
  
At first she blamed herself for being so foolish to believe  
  
things actually could change.  
  
Then anger came.  
  
Anger filled her when she saw the pain in her mother's eyes.  
  
So when her father came rolling into town this time she wasn't  
  
the one who greeted him with hugs and kisses as she usually did.  
  
She pulled back.  
  
Still remembering the pain that he had caused them.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
He tried to ignore his beating heart as the motorcycle came  
  
to a halt outside the Gilmore house.  
  
He hadn't thought it through.  
  
He realized that now.  
  
But he had needed to escape the life he had created for himself.  
  
So he ran to the only place he could think of.  
  
But as he stood there in front of the door all he could think   
  
about was the joy he felt in his heart of seeing them again.  
  
His family.  
  
But he couldn't help but notice that his hands trembled as he  
  
knocked on the door.  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Boston  
  
-----------------  
  
She sat alone in her apartment and listened to all the sounds  
  
the city made.  
  
Night had fallen and everything seemed so still.  
  
She couldn't sleep.  
  
She hadn't been able to sleep since he left her side.  
  
But that she refused to admit that even to herself.  
  
She believed that she was strong if she just pushed him away.  
  
So she pushed those memories from that night far away to the  
  
back of her heart and locked them there.  
  
Sometimes when she felt weak she took them out and held them  
  
up towards the light.  
  
Examining everything.  
  
All the things she had said.  
  
All the things he had said.  
  
She twisted and turned but every time she came to  
  
the same conclusion; she wasn't the one to blame.  
  
When her friends asked about Christopher she lied and said  
  
that he was on a bussiness trip.  
  
And he might as well been.  
  
Because she wasn't ready to take him back.  
  
---------------------------------------------  
  
Stars Hollow.  
  
----------------------------  
  
I found him in the kitchen that evening when I came home from work.  
  
They were sitting by the table.  
  
Talking.  
  
Rory and her father.  
  
I stopped in the doorway and stood there, watching them both.  
  
My first reaction was anger towards him for coming back into  
  
our lifes so suddenly.  
  
But then I saw my daughter's face.  
  
She seemed to drink every word that came out of his mouth like it was  
  
water and she hadn't gotten a drink for days.  
  
They both looked up as I entered.  
  
"Mum!"  
  
"Lorelai."  
  
He rose and our eyes met.  
  
He looked good.  
  
"Chris? What are you doing here?"  
  
"Can't a father visit his daughter?"  
  
"Yeah, sure..But you normally call..So."  
  
"There wasn't time..."  
  
Apart of me kept remembering the last time he had been here.  
  
When he broke my heart.  
  
But the other part needed to forgive.  
  
So I sat down by the kitchen table.  
  
And we sat there.  
  
The little family.  
  
And we talked.  
  
And we laughed.  
  
Like there were no tomorrow.  
  
----------------------------------------------  
  
She had meant to be angry.  
  
She had it planned out.  
  
He had come rolling just like a hero in one of those books  
  
she had read and enjoyed.  
  
But she knew that he wasn't a hero.  
  
The hero doesn't leave their family and break their hearts like  
  
they meant nothing.  
  
A hero never breaks promises.  
  
A hero stays.  
  
At least that was her definition of a hero.  
  
So when she showed him into the kitchen that afternoon it   
  
wasn't joy that filled her.  
  
It was anger.  
  
And she intended to show him all the pain he had caused her mother  
  
and her.  
  
But as he took her into his arms and whispered her name something inside  
  
of her broke away and left her feeling vulnerable.  
  
That scared her.  
  
So her first reaction was to pull back.  
  
And she rose her shield.  
  
But slowly and surely every defense was defeated as minutes turned  
  
into hours.  
  
And eventually she could find in her heart to put aside her  
  
anger and welcome him home.  
  
----------------------------------------  
  
I knew something was wrong when she didn't come to me that night.  
  
It wasn't like she had made a promise.  
  
So nothing was broken.  
  
But it had just fallen naturally for her to come to me after  
  
I had closed up the diner.  
  
But that night she wasn't at my door.  
  
I thought about calling.  
  
I even thought about going over there.  
  
But something inside of me whispered that maybe she needed her   
  
independence.  
  
And I wasn't the one that would take that away from her.  
  
So I finished up in the diner and went upstairs.  
  
I sat down in my favorite armchair and tried to drown out  
  
the silence with the help of the TV.  
  
But one hour turned into two I found myself restless.  
  
So I rose.  
  
To go to her.  
  
-----------------------------------------  
  
As night wrapped Stars Hollow we finished our take-out and  
  
went into the living room to make up the couch.  
  
Rory had already finished her food and went into her room  
  
to study.  
  
I can't say that I was prepared for the storm that followed.  
  
We had talked about everything and nothing.  
  
We had laughed and it felt like old times.  
  
But as he followed me into the living room I couldn't help  
  
but notice how fast my heart was beating.  
  
I told myself to remember the past.  
  
But the other part kept remembering another feeling;  
  
of loving him, of being loved by him.  
  
The sensation of being in his arms.  
  
And that made me weak.  
  
I kept running my mouth off, trying to ignore   
  
all those feelings that kept raging inside of me.  
  
But when we finished and we sat down on the couch I found  
  
I had nothing to say this time.  
  
So when his hand sought mine all I could do was surrender.  
  
Our eyes met.  
  
"Tell me why you have come back?"  
  
"I wanted to see you and Rory."  
  
"Don't lie, Chris. I know you..."  
  
"I wanted to make amends..for the last time..."  
  
"Chris.."  
  
"Lor, please..."  
  
"There's nothing more to say, Chris. Everything has been said."  
  
"You never let me..."  
  
"What?"  
  
"I want your forgiveness."  
  
"You already have it. You know that."  
  
"And Rory?"  
  
"That you have to ask her. But I swear..if you ever.."  
  
"I know."  
  
He let go of my hand and I rose.  
  
I started to move.  
  
I stopped at the foot of the stairs and looked back at him.  
  
"It's nice to have you here..."  
  
And he smiled.  
  
Then I walked upstairs.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
How easy I fell.  
  
I had gone to her because something inside of me craved   
  
the warmth of her body.  
  
I had meant to walk up to the door, knock and she would open.  
  
And I would say something smart and cleaver.  
  
And I almost did.  
  
I come to the door when I saw them.  
  
They were sitting on the couch, holding hands.  
  
Christopher and Lorelai.  
  
She hadn't told me that he was back.  
  
That he had come back to Stars Hollow.  
  
It would have been so easy to just pick up the phone and tell me.  
  
Instead she had spent the night with him.  
  
The man that had broken her heart.  
  
As I stood there, watching them, a part of me wanted to break down  
  
that door that kept me apart from them and knock him senseless.  
  
Just because he once had broken her heart.  
  
But as I saw her turn her face towards him something inside of me broke.  
  
The joy and the love that painted her face hit me right in the heart  
  
and almost made me stumble.  
  
And I pulled back.  
  
I felt like an intruder.  
  
I had no business being there.  
  
So I turned around and walked the path home.  
  
Alone.  
  
--------------------------------------  
  
feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se 


	3. You must love me

**How come your arms are not around me (3/?)**

"You must love me" 

by: Jessica

"**_And every time you throw him to the floor_**

**_Why are you surprised to see he's breakable?_**

**_And every time you push him to the wall_**

Why are you surprised to see he's breakable" 

( From "Breakable" by Fisher )

She came in the early light of day.

I was just about to open the diner.

She came walking through my door just like nothing had happened.

I stood behind the counter and I tried to smile like nothing had changed.

But it had.

Everything had changed.

I had tried to tell myself that it was nothing and that I needed to forget.

But as lay alone that night, I had twisted and turned all the scenes from that night and I came up with a conclusion I couldn't shut my eyes for.

She wanted him.

I had seen it in her eyes.

And that twisted the knife in my heart.

"I missed you last night….."

She came around and moved towards me.

I wanted to fall.

God, how I wanted to take her into my arms and forget about the world for a while.

But all I kept seeing was her face as she looked at Chris.

As she wrapped her arms around me a part of me wanted to surrender to her and just let go of all the anger and jealousy that kept eating at my center core.

But the pain in my heart made me blind.

So I pulled away from her.

I always pushed her away from me.

She looked at me with eyes filled with worry.

"What's wrong, Luke?"

"Nothing."

I wished I could say something smart and cleaver or even act like nothing had happened.

But I couldn't do that.

Not this time.

It was too much at stake this time around.

She reached for me but I backed away from her, afraid that if she touched me now I would surely crumble.

"Luke…."

_How could she come here and act like nothing had happened?_

How could she be so cruel? 

I wanted to be strong and just stand there like I was made of ice.

But I couldn't.

"Why didn't you tell me?"  
I wanted to scream.

Our eyes met.

"Tell you about what?"

"About Chris."  
She avoided my eyes and backed away from me.  
Acting guilty.

Her action spoke louder than words.

"He came to see Rory…"

I wished I could believe that.

I needed to believe that.

But all I could see was the look upon her face when she looked at him.

And that was the end of me.

I tried to ignore it for so long.

I had tried to convince myself that the bond they shared was simply their daughter.

But there was something there, something that I had shut my eyes to for so long.

"I saw you, Lorelai…."

Our eyes met.

"What are you talking about?"  
"I waited for you…I waited…And when you didn't come I went to you…And…."  
"Luke……He came to see Rory….."  
"No, I saw you…You two…On that couch…."

"What? When did you see us?"  
"Last night…"  
"He stayed the night. He slept on the couch…"  
Her words twisted the knife in my heart.

I had tried to be strong.

It was just words. 

But I never thought words could hurt so.

But they did.

"I saw your face…"  
"I don't know what you mean…"

I moved towards her.

Jealousy kept eating at my heart.

Pain kept breaking me apart.  
"It looked like..."

"Nothing happened."

"But you wanted it to."

"NO!"

"I saw that look..I know that look."

I wanted to break her.

I wanted to show her the truth.

"What are you talking about!?"

"You want him!"

"No!"

"Don't lie to me, Lorelai.. Not now…I remember one night in this diner when you sat here and cried over the life you wanted. The life you wanted with him."  
"That was then! This is now…All I want is you."  
"I wish I could believe you."  
"Why are you doing this?"  
Her eyes were filled with tears.

"All I want is the truth…"  
"What truth?"

"About you and Chris…"  
"Nothing is going on!"

I wished that I could believe her words.

But fear had a hold of my heart and kept breaking me down little by little.

I turned away from her.

"Luke, please…All I want is you……"

She was close now.

Her scent reached me and made me tremble.

"I don't know if I can do this…"  
"What?"  
"This..you and me…"  
"Luke, no…"

I turned around and faced her.  
"There will always be maybe and I will not be sure about anything. I will never be sure if I was just another rebound guy…."  
"He is Rory's father and I can't just shut him out of our lives…."  
"I know that….I don't think I can live with always wondering…."  
"Wondering?"  
"Wondering if I'm truly the one you want to be with…."

"Luke, please…You are….."  
Her hands trembled as she reached for me.

I stood there and watched as her world came down around her.

I saw the pain  in her eyes.

"I wish I could believe you……."  
"I don't know how to make you see that…."  
 I stood strong while the walls around my heart shook.

Her eyes pleaded to me to fall.

But I couldn't.

I was saving myself.

"So you are just giving up!"  
"Call it what you want!"

"Just like that."  
"Just like that."

"You're a fucking coward….."  
"Believe what you want!"  
"I mean so little to you that you are willing to throw it all away with one misunderstanding!"

"Don't you understand!?"  
"I understand that you are running away."  
"I'm giving you permission."  
"Permission?!"  
"To go to him…."  
"Permission to go to him?"  
"Yes."  
"Permission! Who the fuck do you think you are?"  
"You want that life. You said it yourself."  
"What life?"  
"A life with Chris."  
"I wanted that life. Wanted, Luke…."

"You still thinking about it…I saw it in your eyes, Lorelai…."

" So I wonder sometimes what my life had been like if I chose to marry Chris. So, what? I wonder, that's it. It doesn't say that I want it…."

"You sat here and you cried over him. I watched you…I watched you, Lorelai. I was there, remember."  
"That was then…."  
"And now you have gotten your chance…"  
"No!"  
"Don't lie…I heard it from Miss Patty….He's here to stay…."  
"No, it's not like that. He is just visiting Rory…"  
"And you took your chance…."  
"Believe what you want! I don't care…"  
Anger filled her eyes as she turned away from me and moved towards the door.

"So!"  
"So!"  
I wanted to scream.

All I wanted was the truth, nothing else.

"Lorelai!"  
She stopped by the door, with her hand resting on the doorknob.

I moved towards her.

I had gone into battle so determined to break her.

But all I had done was to cause both of us pain.

My hands trembled as I reached out my hand and touched her.

My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:

"Lorelai…."

"What do you want from me?"  
Her voice trembled as she spoke. 

"All I want is the truth….."

"I have told you the truth. I had told it over and over but you refuse to listen….."  
"I just…"  
I hesitated. I made the mistake of hesitating.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe, just maybe, she actually wanted me.

Just me.

But jealousy showed its ugly face again and tore at me.

"I don't know how to convince you, Luke…that I love you……"  
"What if years from now you regret it?"  
"Regret what?"  
"Being with me….."

"I would never regret it….."  
"That's why I have to be sure. You have to be sure…."  
She turned towards me.

Her eyes reflected only pain.

She was close enough for me to pick up the slightest scent of her perfume.

I wanted to take her into my arms and just forget.

But doubt kept eating at me and I couldn't shut my eyes anymore.

So I had to set her free.

"I'm already sure…"  
"You have to choose, Lorelai…"  
"Choose?"   
"Between him or me…"  
"What?"  
"You can't have us both."  
"He's Rory's father I just can't…"  
"I'm not asking you to shut him out of your life…I'm just asking you to make a choice of who will have your heart…him or …me………"  
Her eyes met mine and as we stood there I could see something deep inside of her that told me the truth I had searched for.

I saw doubt.

And in that moment something inside of me fell apart.

Not a sound was made but the pain of the thrust made me stumble backwards.

I don't know what I thought.

Maybe I thought that she would once again convince me that she loved me.

But this time she couldn't lie anymore.

For once in my life I wanted lies because the truth hurt too much.

I had caused it.

I had no one to blame then myself.

I had asked her for the truth and finally she had given it to me.

She didn't know.

I backed away from her.

I bowed my head; afraid if she saw my eyes she would know the pain in me.

"Luke…."  
She reached for me but avoided her hand.

"No, Lorelai…Just go…."  
"I just…."  
I lifted my head and met her eyes.

"Go, just go……"  
"I love you…"  
"But not enough…."  
"Don't do this…"  
"I have to…."

"Please…"  
"Go, Lorelai…."

I turned away from her.

Silence wrapped around us.

Finally the silence was pierced by the sound of her opening the door and closing it behind her.

I refused to look when she walked away from me.

I just stood there with my back turned and I tried to not to feel my broken heart.

I tried not to feel it when I opened the diner an hour later.

I tried not to feel it when I served my customers and I swept up after closing.

As day moved into night I climbed the stairs to my apartment alone.

I tried to numb the feeling inside by watching TV.

I tried not to miss her.

I refused to miss her.

As I undressed in the moonlight and slipped into bed I was wrapped in a sea of her scent and for a brief moment I let myself feel.

And I fell.  
God, how I fell.

And inside of me a broken heart beat angrily.

………………………………………

Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  


  
  



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